Depression, Anxiety, Herbs, and Being Present

It's been a few months since I made this video for the Project for Awesome, in which I talked about mental health and my experiences with depression and social anxiety. Shortly after that, my family made a decision to move my grandpa, who has dementia, into a care home, and my grandma moved into a retirement home of her own will, leaving the house they had lived in for the past 60 years. My grandparents have been a huge part of my life, especially since I moved here for university 10 years ago, so this change has had a big impact on me. No longer can I just stop over and watch PBS with Grandma if I need some human contact. Knowing that my grandpa is confused and alone most of the time makes me feel guilty. At the same time, some friendships that I hoped would develop fell flat, a big disappointment as I try to break out of my loneliness. I spend a lot more time alone in my apartment than I did before.

In an enormous spiral of depression, I made a very deliberate decision to distract myself from my life. I did not want to think about my grandparents or my job or my lack of social and romantic life, so after work, instead of reading a book or writing down my feelings, I turned on the TV or got on facebook for HOURS. I did not clean the house. I did not get errands done. Sometimes, when my roommate was staying at a friend's house, I drank too much so that I didn't feel so bad.

I don't remember what caused me to go out and buy St John's Wort. Desperation? Probably. Honestly, I didn't think it would actually work, but a few weeks after I started taking it, when my roommate had again left me alone all weekend, I was shocked and amazed to find that I didn't feel like laying down and dying. I didn't feel particularly happy. From my perspective, I was still poor and alone and unhappy, but it was as if some invisible emotional force was keeping me from sinking into my normal depression. Huh.

My faith communtiy is doing some rather abstract practices for Lent, the first of which was "practicing presence and fasting from distraction." My friend Mara, who has experience in the Orthodox Church calls it "Protestant choose-your-own-adventure Lent." So I'm fasting from my biggest distraction, Facebook, and instead of dwelling on how sucky my life is as a single 28 year old with an employer who takes advantage of me, I'm taking a vacation from trying to fix my life. Until Easter, I guess, I'm just trying to be in my life, even though I am not content with it. That means not casting around for all sorts of things that I could do, like join a new club or look for a new job. I make appointments and things for later in the week, but I'm refusing to make long-term "this is going to make my life better" inquiries. I'm taking things one day at a time, as it were.

Sometimes I even take things minute by minute, and the combination of this presence practice and maybe the herbs seems to be changing my experience with stressful situations. I was supposed to mail a package on Monday, but things weren't working out the way I wanted before work. During work, I just decided not to dwell on it, because I couldn't do anything about it until afterward. It worked. On Sunday morning, I wanted to check out another faith community, but I got into my car a bit late and would show up late. I hate being late, but instead of putting myself in the position of arriving late as a new person, I decided to just not go, but drive over and see where it was, to soak up some sun and listen to Irish music on the drive. It was fine. No one was even expecting me to be there except for me. Normally, I would beat myself up over it, and even thinking about it now, my anxiety threatens to bubble up, but I am calm. I am a leaf on the wind.

Storytime 2013: January

Just so you're all aware, this is my to-read list for this year, on an 8 1/2 x 11 page

"The Name of the Star" by Maureen Johnson

I got a booklet about this duo (the next book is apparently coming out this month) at LeakyCon, and I wanted to read it because I'm one of those sickos that's fascinated by Jack the Ripper, but really I just grabbed this because every so often I cruise the YA section to see if there's anything by Maureen Johnson available. She's a female author, and there's a lot of myth around Jack the Ripper, so I think it fits both of my themes for the year.

Rory Deveaux is a teenager from Louisiana whose parents take a university fellowship in England, giving her the opportunity to spend a year at a boarding school in London. Things are going well until Rory chokes on a sausage and the near-death experience allows her to see ghosts. At the same time, a series of murders take place in Whitechapel, mirroring those of Jack the Ripper from 1888. Rory's gift, and those of some kindred spirit-seers, may lead to the murderer.

The story reminds me a lot of "13 Little Blue Envelopes," another Johnson book in which an American teenager just about to start her senior year goes to England and develops a crush on the first British boy she meets. Factoids about England and Jack the Ripper are doled out as Rory starts her school year. They would probably be more exciting to someone who doesn't already know a lot about living there (I know, you feel so bad for me...), but as it is, I found those parts a little forced. After the sausage incident, the whole thing gets a little Scooby-Doo, complete with rag-tag detective agency. So the story is a little cheesy, but still a thrilling mystery with a big cliff-hanger at the end that makes me want the next book SO BAD. A- for the target reader

"The Snow Child" by Eowyn Ivey

This book was a recommendation by someone on the Nerdfighter Ning group "Nerdfighters Who Like Talking About Books."

Mabel and Jack left their home in New England to be homesteaders in Alaska. After 10 years of hard work, they are barely getting by. Mabel wonders what she has done with her life, leaving the academic society she grew up in to be a farmer's wife, and suggesting the move to Alaska. She and Jack have settled into a dull routine, and the never-resolved emotional pain of a still-birth still hurts. Feeling empty, she even attempts suicide.

Then one day, a surprise snowstorm inspires the couple to make a little snow-girl, and soon a pale, skittish child appears to Jack and Mabel from the woods near their house. With much coaxing, she starts to develop a relationship with them, almost becoming the child they never had. However, when the spring comes, the child disappears, leaving them to tend to their farm without her. The girl reminds Mabel of a story her father once told. In it, a snow-child comes to a childless elderly couple, like Jack and Mabel, and she stays with them each winter and leaves in the spring. Mabel's sister says that the story ends in different ways, depending on which legend you hear, but always with the snow-child melting at the end.

The beginning of this story was really good, as magical as the legend it was based on, but I felt that it went on a bit too long. When I got to the middle of the book, I thought it should end a certain way, but there was still more book. The bits of magic started to fall away, and the story just became another sad story. It was definitely not the book to read right after a certain episode of Season 3 of Downton Abbey. I am impressed with the author's commitment to stick to the "fairy-tale" ending of the story-within-a-story, but I was left wanting for those magical elements that drew me into the beginning of the book. B-

Storytime 2013: Short story blitz

I think I will start saying how I happened upon these books. Sometimes that can be fun.

Short stories are great to keep on the nightstand, because you can read a whole one, then close the book up and go to sleep. Unfortunately, these two are not exactly bedtime stories...

"Black Juice" by Margo Lanagan

This collection of short stories was recommended by a friend from my program in college and who is now an English teacher. It was a suggestion for my quest to read more female authors.

Every single one of these stories is really strange. I am the first to fall in love with grotesque stories, but I bristle against books where the author creates a whole new world with specialized jargon and societal rules, and that happened in every one of these stories. In the time that it takes to read one story, I just start to get used to the setting, and then it's over and I have to start again with a different kind of world. For example, the first story is about a family whose sister has committed a crime, and her punishment is to be slowly sunk into the tar pit. The next story is about a lord's wife who has run off with gypsies and the next is about clown killers. Yeah, clown killers. And all of them have special slang to interpret, which is tiring, one story after another.

Where the stories do work is that the reader gets little hints about what is going on and why. Lanagan spaces out the information so that first the family packs a picnic as if going on a day trip, then the sister starts to sink into the pits, then you find out why she's being executed. I appreciate the dark nature of "Black Juice," but I found the stories hard to relate to because I felt like I needed Lanagan's personal dictionary just to get my bearings. C+

"There Once Lived a Woman Who Tried to Kill Her Neighbor's Baby: Scary Fairy Tales" by Ludmilla Petrushevskaya

I found this book at my local library by doing a search for fairy tales, then clicking the category "Slavic."

The first half of this book is mostly ghost stories. You know the type, the Vanishing Hitchhiker, Sixth Sense type of story where throughout the whole story someone has been dead and either they or their loved one doesn't know it. They all kind of end the same way. Plus they're set in Russia, so they're all pretty bleak apart from the whole death everywhere thing. Not to say they're not well written, just go out and get some sunshine afterward, okay? The section at the end, Fairy Tales, gets a little bit lighter and there's less death. This is a good story selection for someone who likes a bit of the supernatural in the real world, and who doesn't need a happy ending. Even if you don't know anything about the Soviet Union, you get the feeling that the characters are used to a life that doesn't treat them well or often, so a little supernatural harassment doesn't bother them. The author doesn't waste any time on "Oh no! A ghost!" and I appreciate that. B-

Storytime 2013: "Leviathan" by Scott Westerfeld

This year I am not setting a goal number of books to read. 50, 60, maybe I will read that many, but there are some really long books on my "to read" list that might slow me down on a goal like that. So I'm setting some themes for myself this year. I'm sure that not all of the books that I read will fit into these themes, but it gives me an area of focus, and I feel like I haven't really studied a specific area of literature in a while. One of my themes is books by and about women. I am a lady writer, but I read very few books written by ladies. I also want to honor my historical sisters by learning their stories. 2012 was the 100th anniversary of the women's right to vote in Oregon. A friend once called me "a stubborn woman," and I am very thankful to the stubborn women who came before me. Another theme that I'm setting for myself this year is folktales and fairy tales, or modern stories based on folktales. Specifically, I want to read stories set in cold places like Scandinavia, Iceland, Russia, etc. Don't ask why, it's just the mood I'm in at the moment. If you have any suggestions for books that fit into either of these categories, please leave them in the comments! Happy New Year and happy reading!

"Leviathan" by Scott Westerfeld

The first book that I finished in 2013 is an alternate version of WWI, where the German and Austria-Hungarian forces fight with mechanical animals and the British forces fight with genetically engineered animal machines, clankers and beasties, respectively. Alek, the (fictional) son of Archduke Ferdinand is forced into hiding after his parents' assassination. Deryn, a young Scottish girl disguises herself as a boy to join the Royal Air Service. They meet in Switzerland, where Deryn's airship, the Leviathan, crash lands near Alek's secret hideaway. They find that they have a lot in common despite cultural and military differences and decide to trust each other.

The semi-steampunk flavor of the book is all right, but what I find really imaginative are Westerfeld's "beastie" creations. The lizards on the Leviathan can scramble around with their sticky gecko feet, but they serve a purpose as messengers, speaking in the voices of the humans that "record" the message. The flechette bats are fed metal spikes that they then "drop" on the enemy in the natural fashion. The Leviathan is a huge whale like creature that fills itself up with hydrogen and floats like a zeppelin. The controversy of manipulating nature in this way is not glossed over. Alek and Deryn each openly criticize and secretly admire the innovations of the other's culture.

The writing style is simple enough for middle school readers who are just learning about world history. In the afterward, Westerfeld points out the historical facts and fictions in his book, which will probably stir up some interest in the time period. There is an inkling of romance between the young main characters, which I'm not so keen on, but we'll see how he continues that plotline. Leviathan is the first in a series of three books. B-

Resentment and forgiveness

I've had a lot of opportunities to be resentful lately. I try hard to be giving in my life, and sometimes that leads to people taking advantage of me, and that never feels good. I sometimes want to teach someone a lesson when they take me for granted. "Oh yeah?" I think. "Well what if I just didn't want to?" It's a bad attitude. It's resentment.

Today I had one of those opportunities. To avoid naming names, I'll be vague. Some friends had left a mess, and the one who would normally clean up didn't show for our regularly scheduled meetup. My first thought was disbelief, then judgement. "Oh, X person is always so irresponsible." Then I told myself that I shouldn't be surprised because I already knew that part of X person's nature. What was the real clincher was that the mess had to be cleaned up for a special meeting of strangers that needed to be impressed a little. So in order to make the place presentable, it had to be me and my roommate to cover X person's backside, who, I felt, was lucky that we'd showed up at all.

After getting the place ready for the meeting, I sent my roommate a snarky text message about how the dark carpet would cover the blood stains if I killed X person. I realize how uncharitable that was, but in my defense, that dark carpet surely does cover blood stains, and I was thinking of the movie "The Unsinkable Molly Brown." But it made me appear angry when I was really just annoyed. I'm not sure if this was passed on by my roommate, but later in the day, I got an apologetic text message from one of the people responsible for the mess. I thought about how I could respond. "It's fine" didn't seem right. It wasn't fine to repeatedly shirk responsibility. But it all got done, and I lost no special time out of my day to do it. What it was was all right.

"It's all right." I said, but what I meant was "All is right between us." I do not want to stay angry at my friends. I don't want to resent them, keep record of wrongs, scoff "Typical!" like a bitter Brit. If I can't be forgiving to my friends, who can I be forgiving to? If any one of us can't be forgiving, how can we ask for grace?

More than having to clean up someone else's mess, I was disappointed that my friend didn't show because I was really looking forward to kicking back and talking about Jesus and what to do about Him. Looking back on today, I wonder if God chose to give me a more direct lesson.

Discomfort zone

Picture by Jessica Hagy of thisisindexed.com

Inside my comfort zone I am around people that I already know, or maybe I'm alone, because being around anyone these days makes me nervous. It makes me feel like I've got to say the right things and make the right moves or the people around me will not like me. So inside my comfort zone are people I already know who for some reason or another are obligated to be around me and be civil. Inside my comfort zone are familiar places like University of Oregon, the Spring-ghetto, the libraries, Sara's Treasures, and Milton Keynes because I know how things operate there. I am rarely going to go to those places and be surprised by something out of the ordinary. I know how to behave in those places. In my apartment or at my parents' house or grandma's house, I don't even have to worry about anything new. I can go there every time and do what I always do. The internet is part of my comfort zone (unless it's on Skype voicechat) because I can always take my time to think about what I'm saying.

Outside my comfort zone is where the magic happens. The magic happens when I perform onstage. Magic happens when I meet new people, maybe people who need someone to listen to their stories. Magic happens when I can readily respond to my fellow human beings with kindness. Magic happens when I catch myself getting worked up or mad and stop and count backwards from five. I learn more outside of my comfort zone. My new placement is currently outside my comfort zone because I don't have it mastered yet. Dating is outside my comfort zone, not because I wouldn't like to date someone, but because it has been so long since I've gone out with someone that I don't believe in my ability to hold it together. After I try something new or open myself to criticism and then come back, I sometimes let myself hold onto my panic. I tell myself that I never want to do that again because it was so frightening. Sometimes I slay the dragon and do a kick-ass karaoke number and feel like a rockstar.

When I leave my comfort zone, it feels like I'm an astronaut doing a space walk and my tether has just been cut. It's terrifying. Sometimes I want to leave, but most times I don't. Mostly I want to stick to what I know, but sometimes I want an adventure, to mark another thing off my list of things I've never done. It's important to my faith practice to get out of my comfort zone so that other people can experience comfort. Sometimes getting out of my comfort zone means having to reevaluate the way I have thought about something for a long time.

The Little Mermaid: Feminist Role Model

I have an ongoing argument with some egalitarian friends regarding Disney princesses. They have a three-year-old daughter and don’t want her to grow up believing that she is helpless and needs saving. I can see their point for some Disney films. Sleeping Beauty, for example, falls into an enchanted sleep and is unable to act for half the film. She awakens after her man has defeated the evil witch woman. Snow White finds a messy cabin in the woods and immediately sets to cooking and cleaning for seven bachelors. She also falls into an enchanted sleep and has to wait for Prince Charming to resurrect her.

However, when they start attacking “The Little Mermaid,” I start fighting back. Aside from her awesome voice and gravity defying hair, I think Ariel is a fine role model for any budding feminist.

On the surface (oh, nautical puns!), Ariel is a teenage nightmare. She’s irresponsible, disobedient, and goes to extreme measures to modify her body. Some would even say that she’s a spoiled brat. She hoards a grotto full of treasure from shipwrecks, but is not satisfied. Not much is asked of her except that she stay away from the surface for her safety. Plus, she’s royalty in a kingdom that adores her; what more could a girl want?

What she wants is to be her own woman. Long before she meets (and saves!) Prince Eric, Ariel longs for a break from a society that doesn’t understand her differences.

“Betcha on land, they understand/ Bet they don’t reprimand their daughters/ Bright young women, sick of swimmin’, ready to stand/ And ready to know what the people know/ Ask ‘em my questions and get some answers”

This is a girl who wants an education. She knows she’s intelligent, but she also knows that what she can learn under the sea is limited. She is tired of the constraints put on her by her overbearing father, who discourages her passion for exploring and learning. She has a grotto full of material things, but she doesn’t want thingamabobs; she wants experience.

Honestly, who wouldn’t want to go up to the surface considering the life she leads as a mermaid. She has six older sisters, all apparently still living at home with Triton. The only scenes we see of the sisters are their musical performance in honor of their father, and something akin to a group beauty session. Ariel may enjoy the occasional dinglehopper, but vapid homebody she is not. While her sisters flounder at home, our heroine seeks adventure as far as her fins will carry her.

Ariel has good reason to get out from under the thumb of the overbearing King Triton. The man has some serious control issues. After she misses her concert, he shouts down her explanations, expresses his prejudice against humans, and forbids her to participate in her favorite hobbies. When he destroys her most prized possessions in a fit of rage, Ariel decides that she’s had enough. With “no one else to turn to,” she swims straight into the tentacles of the Sea Witch.

Some feminists would argue that the fact that Ariel gives up her right to speak for a man makes for a sexist film, but I argue that the exchange between Ariel and Ursula unites sexism with evil, and therefore, the film is against it. Ursula is able to wrest Ariel’s voice from her by convincing her that “on land it’s much preferred for ladies not to say a word,” because she knows the girl is desperate, not because it’s true. In fact, the rest of the film proves the opposite. Eric is devoted to the woman with the golden voice who saved him, and when Ariel appears voiceless, it’s a serious hitch. He clearly wants to get to know her better, because he’s a nice guy, but doesn’t really fall in love with her until she again has the ability to speak her mind. (As a person who works with students with disabilities, I have mixed views on this, but that’s another blog.)

In the end, Ariel and Eric have each saved the other’s life once, and so are on equal footing in the relationship. Their marriage is a celebration of the unity between two worlds where there had previously been misunderstanding and hatred. A diplomatic mermaid sounds like a feminist heroine to me! Ariel is a good role model for girls young and old because she seeks to free herself from an oppressive, closed-minded society, she takes risks to become a woman of the world, and because it is her courage to speak her heart and mind that gets her to her happily ever after.