Wednesday, January 4, 2012

New Year's Revolutions

I resolve this year to take more chances as opportunities come up. There have been too many times when I didn't take an opportunity because I was too afraid or because I wanted things to be just so. I waited so long without making a decision that the opportunity was lost. I have missed out on the kind of opportunities that I'd been waiting for for a long time, chances to make a difference in the world, relationships that would have made me happy, choices that would have saved me money.

I also resolve to get a handle on my social life, which is a brutish entity apparently separate from myself, because the two of us are in a constant battle. I have learned that my shyness, anxiety, and chronic loneliness is so extreme that it interferes with my ability to make new friends. I have an even more difficult time growing close friendships, which I can count on one hand. The rest of the world has access to deep, meaningful relationships and I'm trying to communicate in Morse code. I'm taking steps to learn some skills that have broken down over the years as I came to expect rejection, and some that I never had in the first place.

On that note, I'm also learning how to distinguish between realistic friendships and ones that I have built up in my head, and how to let the superficial ones go. I don't want to be anyone's friend because they pity me, and I don't want people to lead me on. I think I'm a pretty awesome person, and I want my real friends to think I'm awesome too, not weird, not creepy, not a burden. I've nearly buried all those "out of sight, out of mind" friendships, those "he's/she's not into you if he/he isn't calling you" friendships. I want to spent my time on people who identify with me, not waste my time on people who would rather be somewhere else.

Here's to a new year.


Anonymous said...

I relate to a lot of what you're talking about. Good luck with it all. I have had the same struggles with friendships for years now.

Kenji said...

I think that's a good goal in your last paragraph. It's good that you feel you have something awesome to offer. There are people who will agree with you and I hope you find them.